TV Recap: The Amazing Race, Season 23 Ep. 1

   Hello and welcome to my first ever recap! I adore recaps. Pretty much all the way. Why are they so fascinating? I have no idea, but I read them anyway so why not write one up for y'all? 

   The Amazing Race is probably one of my favorite guilty pleasure shows. I love to hate it. The constants are usually annoying and the formulated drama is gross but I WATCH EVERY SEASON. I've fully accepted it. So, if you're like me, read on and let's absorb the crazy together. 

   This year, our show begins on an old west movie set? Why? Reasons. The camera pans excitedly over the one-horse town. 

Heh. One horse.

There are also cowboys! Totally real cowboys! And violence for some reason. According to our host, Phil, it's high noon and the tension is rising. I really have no idea what this has to do with a reality show about a race around the world, but okay.

Gun fights!

Wagons!

Extras!

HORSE STUNTS!

PHIL!

Hi Phil! Good to see you again, my slightly-accented friend. Phil talks about the show. Race. Money. Express pass. Race. Then he introduces the teams! All eleven of them. Here they are. 

Team 1: Chester and Ephraim 

Chester and Ephraim met at San Diego State in a grocery store! (Chester? Ephraim?) Number 74 up there suggested his buddy try football while he was literally bagging his food. Years later, they end up playing together for Texas in the NFL which is kind of cool. Now they're like, best friends or something which is also cool. I can't get a read on how well they'll play the game yet but I feel okay about it. 

Team 2: Rowan and Shane (Team Bingo)

Rowan and Shane are actors. They make most of their living doing a show called "The Queen of Bingo". 

Yes.

OKAY! They seem pretty fun and will undoubtedly be one of my favorite teams unless they turn out to be horrible people. You can never tell from the intro episode. They do say that the most important thing is to have fun which is excellent so go them. 

Team 3: Tim and Marie (Team Fight Club)

HO BOY GET READY. Tim and Marie are exes. (Thank you, TV gods. Thank you.) They dated five years ago and are for some reason still in each other's lives. They fully admit to not getting along at all. This is emphasized by footage of Marie beating the crap out of Tim in harsh lighting. 

#everyfilter

I have excellent feelings about this team and it's because I'm essentially awful. The fighting between these two is going to be deliciously painful. I mean c'mon, they couldn't stop fighting to get the damn introduction interview finished. Who doesn't love a train wreck? If it makes me any less of a bad person, I will point out that I'm pretty sure most (if not all) of their fights are pretty put-on. Something to think about? Team Fight Club! 

Team 4: Leo and Jamal 

Meet Leo and Jamal. They're cousins. I am already annoyed. They call themselves "The Afganimals". Why? Because they're Afgan and they act like...can you guess?...animals. 

Nope. 

 Just stop. Please. I can already tell these two are going to take years off my life and slowly chip away at my mental stability throughout the course of the race.



Team 5: Ally and Ashley (Team Sparkle Ice Princess)

Ally and Ashley are NHL Ice Crew members which means they clean the ice and they are pretty. They think they will do well on the race since as Ice Crew members, they say they like to "be bright and stand out" because this is a fundamental necessity for cleaning ice. Yes. Logic. They also like sparkly things. If I was to judge their future performance in this competition on how they interviewed they would be eliminated like two weeks ago. Sorry. 

Team 6: Nicole and Travis (Team Doctor Boring)

I'm not going to write much here. They're ER doctors. They're married. They're boring. I've seen enough. 

Team 7: Hoskote and Naina

The father-daughter team! They do yoga. This appears to be all they do. 

Hoskote very immediately expresses his desire for Naina to have an arranged marriage. This is how she feels about it: 

They do more yoga to settle their differences.

I can't tell yet if these two are actually going to do well. Papa seems active enough, but they're probably not our winners due to inevitable communication breakdowns.

Team 8: Tim and Danny

Tim and Danny are oil rig workers in Oklahoma. Wow! They wear primary colors and push each other over. 

One of them looks like Taylor Lautner, but other than that I'm kind of bored. We'll see. 

Team 9: Brandon and Adam (Team Bearded Beauties) 

FINALLY OH MY GOD! Thank goodness, you guys. I was getting a little worried for a second there. This was looking like one of the least exciting contestant line-ups ever and then these two bearded gems appeared. 

Brandon and Adam are awesome. They have beards. They are friends and have been forever. They're comfortable with each other.

Very.

Very comfortable.

They are also my favorite. NOT BORING. This is going to be fun.

Team 10: Nicky and Kim

Nicky and Kim are baseball wives. They talk about baseball and being wives. But they're more than baseball wives and it doesn't define them. The producers emphasize this point by filming them playing baseball in a baseball stadium. 

"I have no idea what I'm doing" -Baseball Wife #1

 They're also going to win The Amazing Race. Just look how sure they are:

Next. 

Team 11: Jason and Amy

Jason and Amy are dating. They do cute dating things like walking, roasting marshmallows, and popping out of trees.

He manages a snow and ice company. I was indifferent. Then Amy spoke. 

SHE GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL AT 16. Not only that, but this lady finished college in three years and completed TWO MASTERS DEGREES two years later. Dang. I am intrigued because holy crap that's a smartness. Go them.

Phil emerges from the saloon to applause. What did you accomplish, Phil? Congratulations on that thing! 

He greets the teams and gives them the usual spiel of welcome. He mentions (and by mentions, I mean monologues) about the express pass and how the first team to finish this leg gets TWO. One for them, one for a friend team of their choosing which they must give away by the 5th leg. It's a big deal I guess. The express pass can let you skip any challenge and head straight to the check-in for one leg. Pretty cool. 

In response, the teams squint at Phil.

Honestly, who was the asshole who made everyone stare into the sun? Rude. 

READY GO!

Before we proceed, I wish to express my contempt for the product placement on this show. It runs rampant. It's gross. 

The teams rush to their Ford Cmax Hybrids (ugh) to make a call across the world with the hands free calling system (barf). The voice on the other line instructs them to fly to Chile where they will look for Javier(?). Alright. To the airport!

On the road, everyone comments about how they can't even believe they're on the amazing race and excited for what is to come. Not even seconds later, Fight Club starts...well...fighting. 

Marie is dissatisfied with Tim's freeway speed, which may be justified since it's LA. Go faster. Tim makes the mistake of commenting that he didn't know people with voices as shrill as hers existed. She says she didn't know they made people as dumb as him. 

Oooooooh. Burn. 

I have to say, this entire fight felt fake. F A K E. Which is stupid especially this early into the show. Although, maybe there just wasn't enough going on so they stirred things up, I dunno. 

Oklahoma boy and Taylor Lautner are already lost. They're driving by Dodger stadium which is WRONG. So they stop and ask for directions, but oh no! The one lady they found walking on a residential road doesn't know how to get to the airport or even speak English.

Oklahoma does his best airplane impression.

Ever think of maybe stoping in a public place, guys? You're in LA. Those are pretty plentiful. Y'all are off to a great start.

The Leo and Jamal (unfortunately) arrive at the airport first and pull off flawless diva faces.

They also secure a seat on the first of two flights to Chile. 

The first few teams gather at the terminal and Leo and Jamal both proceed to demonstrate to us that not only are they annoying, they're misogynistic assholes! They meet the Sparkle Ice Princesses and describe them as "eye candy". This sounds good to the girls, so they form an instant alliance. Yes. Good. Then the boys say this in spanish:

Well there's my vote for first elimination.

FLY!

Team Doctor Boring score the first cab out of the airport thanks to Lady Boring's flawless Spanish skills. They celebrate accordingly:

They arrive at their destination and receive their clue! (From Javier)

It's a road block!

Guess what they'll be doing?

The challenge is to have one team member paraglide down to the beach below while the other team member follows in a cab. It's pretty straight forward but the clue is worded in a tricky way and confusion ensues. The team member that declares they will do the challenge is actually the one that will have to follow in a cab and the other teammate is the paraglider. UH OH GUYS. It's really not a big deal and only causes minor annoyance for the most part. 

Mr. Dr. Boring takes off and manages to be the most bored person flying through the air propelled by cloth and string ever in history, followed closely by the Football Buddies and Team Bingo. Lady Dr. Boring uses her Spanish super powers again and rushes away in her cab. 

Go bilingual people.

"I'm gonna drop like a prom dress."

The baseball wives are tricked by the clue so Baseball Wife #2 has to fly. She is scared. Baseball Wife #1 tells her to do it for Spidey. For. Spidey. 

Apparently #2 has a son named Spidey. "Spidey, baby, this is for you." she says. 

Normal.

 Teams continue to take off after the baseball wives, but whoops, everyone forgot to ask their cabs to stay put.

Fools.

 Being a nice guy, Scruffy Afganimal orders cabs!

He orders two so Marie of Team Fight Club wont have one. Nice guy, right? BUMMER FOR HIM THOUGH because when the cabs arrive she snags his, leaving him stranded.

She feels awful about it.

And now I have yet another reason not to like this guy. None of the previous events were necessary. Order three cabs! If you're that insecure this early on it's gonna be a long race for you, bud. 

Moving on. People are flying. The flying Football Buddy makes these faces: 

He seems cool. 

The other teams land in Iquique!

After picking up their paragliding partners from the beach bellow, the teams must travel to a nearby harbor so one team member can search for one of these three boats on a row boat.

They will ask the boat for five fish and if the boat has enough, they can return to the docks where the fishmonger will count their fish and give them their next clue. 

A real fishmonger

VERY IMPORTANT the team member who traveled by paraglide is ALSO the one who must complete this challenge. 

Team Dr. Boring arrives and shows that a medical degree does not mean you know how to row a boat. 

The Borings better look out, though! Because the Bearded Beauties are hot on their tail! They share an adorable best friend hug on the way.

The Afganimals make it to the docks and Scruffy can't even be polite to a seal.

The seal does not appreciate his sass.

I felt much better when Scruffy (I guess his names Jamal or whatever) is also completely inadequate at the row boat.

Heh.

 The Dr. Borings are done! They got all five fish pretty quickly and they don't waste much time after having their fish counted to make it to the final stop.

Teams must now head to the Teatro Municipal De Iquique on foot.

On foot.

Nooooooooo.

ON FOOT! READ THE DAMN CLUE.

They arrive at the pit stop.

Phil and his mysterious bun-sporting mistress openly judge the Borings for their error.

The Dr. Borings are slapped with a 30 minute penalty which I honestly think is bull. Maybe I'm wrong, but in the past didn't people have to go back to where they made the mistake and come back the right way? They should. 

Also, this mistake is really upsetting and will probably ruin both of their careers. Do you want your ER doctors to ignore important details? Cause I would rather not. 

Back at the docks the Afganimals are at it again. "This is really hard. I feel bad for you girls." says Leo. "Ew" says everyone else.

Without missing a damn beat, one of the Sparkle Ice Princesses points out that the dummy was the one who was supposed to do the boat challenge since he was the one to fly. BAHA! BOOM! YOU SUCK! Leo tries in vain to call Jamal back to the docks so they can switch. It takes a long time and this pleases me.

Out of nowhere it seems, Team Fight Club arrives at the pit stop. Before the 30 minute penalty is up for the Borings!

You sit on your wall and think about what you've done.

Fight Club learns they're first and the winners of the two express passes. Pink hair claims this is thanks to her yelling, nagging, and being just generally unsavory. Sure. I would have liked to have seen a different team win this one, but I guess things just got interesting. I have a feeling the gifting of the pass will not go very smoothly.

The Borings finally check in.

Yup.

Followed by team Bingo.

Meanwhile, Leo of the Afganimals finally takes his rightful place in the rowboat and attempts to make up for time well wasted. 

Heheh.

Jamal laments his regret that "girls beat us" and I basically lose my shit at the TV. THE WORST.

Chester and Ephraim are not the worst, however, and have finished in 4th!

Followed by the Baseball Wives.

Let's go all the way back to the paragliding challenge where nothing interesting has happened up until now. Yoga dad has landed and immediately berates his poor daughter because there was a delay. Um, rude? 

Whatever, moving on.

Sparkle Ice Princesses finish 6th.

Afganimals finish in 7th. Which is just four places ahead of where I wanted them to finish. Damn.

Remember the intellectual couple? Well, they're fishing! And in case they weren't qualified enough for this show, Jason rowed in prep school.

Finally someone who knows how to work a damn row boat.

Team Yoga stops fighting long enough to arrive and read their clue. "I must do this roadblock" says Naina.

WRONG

"Nooooooo." Says everyone else. She doesn't listen and boards her row boat. 

Gold star.

Meanwhile, Jason and Amy finish in 8th! His rowing skills factored in just a bit. 

Oklahoma and Taylor Lautner are next. 

Team Yoga are still struggling their little hearts out at the fish challenge. 

Papa thinks he can probably do this better which is probably true but still rude.

Through some unknown stroke of genius (producer prompting), Naina decides to re-read her clue and realizes she shouldn't be here at all! Whoops. They slowly and painfully trade places.

Will they finish in time to take the 10th spot?!

Nope. 

It's dark by the time Hoskote and Naina finish. Were you really better at it, Dad? Doesn't look like it. They're eliminated. Phil asks if Hoskote still may want to choose who Naina marries to which he replies, "father knows best". Everyone barfs because that's stupid. 

*Sad Trumpet* 

This is okay with me. After watching them interact, I probably would have grown to greatly dislike this team before too long. It was so obvious they couldn't work together, I can't imagine they would have gone much farther if the outcome had been different. Bye guys! We will very like forget all about you in a few weeks. 

What did you guys think of the season premiere? I love that AR has basically kept the same format for 29 seasons and still kept it fairly intriguing. Do you agree? Let me know! 

Thank you so much for reading. Keep racing!